I'm gonna digress from my usual subject of music this time. I hope you two don't mind. I just have a lot to say about being employed as a waitress and I am in need of venting. Don't even get me started on the music that is played at my work. If I hear anymore John Mellencamp...(insert something horrible you would do to someone or yourself).
I'll start by saying I completed a vicious, what seemed to be never ending, three days (25 hours) of waitressing and am pregnant with hate and anger for people that dine out. I apologize in advance as everything I'm about to say is going to sound really mean, whiny, and judgmental but I'm not. I'm a nice girl. I've just been a waitress for far too long and being mean to people in my head makes the hours just fly by. I just thought I'd make a small top 10 list of things I, as a waitress, would appreciate you stop doing. On behalf of all the people that have ever worked in the restaurant business...
1.) Please don't order a bottle of beer (that we also have on draft) and then ask for a pint glass. 'Cause really, what's the point? Do you know something I don't?
2.) NEVER, I repeat NEVER vigorously wave me down when I am clearly at another table cause I'll just look at you and wonder if you're retarded or having a seizure.
3.) Customer: "I think we are all set to order."
Me: (Inner monologue: Good for you, I don't give a sh*t, get it yourself, I wonder what Smallz is doing.) "Ok great! I'm ready when you're ready!"
Customer: ::looks around at others at the table:: "Do you guys know what you want? What are you gonna get? Oh, that sounds good? Maybe I'll get that, or should I get this? Wanna spit two meals? Have you ever had..."
Me: (Inner monologue: oohhhhhhh mmmmyyyyyyyyy ggoooooooooooodddddd, someone interrupt my thought with an order already for fucks sake, you retards.) "Yup, you can get onion rings instead of fries!!"
Just let me know when you are for real life ready to order. I have places to go and other peoples' shit to deal with.
4.) That 20% tip is greatly appreciated but you sat at my table on a Friday night for four hours and nursed a couple O'Douls. I know you left me $4 on that $22.00 tab but you probably cost me about $60. Go home.
5.) If you come into my restaurant and sit at my table, I'd advise not to inform me that you have a time restriction or are on a tight schedule. AND THEN ORDER A BURGER COOKED MEDIUM. We are a restaurant where regular human beings are employed, not a magic show. And I'm pretty sure there is an asterisk at the bottom of menu. *None of our cooks have superpowers. Besides, you aren't that important anyway. You should have had a granola bar.
6.) If your beers are $8 and you give me $10 and ask me to go get you change, I hate you.
7.) Nothing would make me happier if people would stop asking me to list beers we have (while the beer list is right in front of them) and then while I'm mid-list, "Do you have Michelob Ultra?" Yes, you skinny bitch, we do have that but maybe you should drink a real beer, no? Just a suggestion. Maybe I wouldn't be being so mean to you in my head right now if, since you already knew what you wanted, just asked me for that in the first place. (Did that sentence make sense? I don't think so, but I'm not changing it.)
8.) For the love of all that is good, get off your cell phone. Don't give me the, erect index finger signaling, wait one second, while you wrap up your phone call. You're rude. Don't make me accidentally drop a beer on your phone.
9.) Unless I do an atrocious job of serving you (psshh, as if), don't leave me less than 15% percent. If you can't afford it, it's called take-out, my friends.
10.) No, you cannot have my number.
***
Because this is a music blog, I can't stop listening to this song and would like all of my favorite bands to remake it...
The Smiths - "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want"
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