Is This Real Life?

I treat my iPod like the way I treat my phone, my wallet, my dignity and my keys; I never leave home without it. It's all I listen to while I'm driving because I don't have Sirius in my car and regular radio is pretty much like listening to someone file their nails or say "moist." I just gagged. Besides, it's just overall a good idea to have it on you because you never know when you might be attending a random party where the music will undoubtably suck.

Recently, one of my managers, knowing I have immaculate taste in music and am prepared with playlists for days, asked to borrow my iPod for a party they were having. (Oh yeah, by the way, I work at a restaurant and we have a function room.) They didn't have a DJ and he didn't have any way to play music. Being the most valuable employee (MVE) that I am, I hesitantly agreed after I made him promise me that if he lost or broke it, he would then have to buy me two iPods. Who doesn't need two iPods?

I didn't get my iPod back for two days. For two days, I had to listen to the radio. It doesn't seem like that long but you have to know, I drive a lot. It was a very, very, very long two days. I literally can not believe the absolute crap that is being played on the radio. Not only that, but how incredibly popular it is. I even listened to America's Top 40 or whatever the fwig it's called just to, you know, stay hip and see what all the clubs be playing. I was horrified. I tried to figure out why in the good Lord's name, America is so enamored with this "pop music." The only conclusion I came to was that maybe, just maybe if I was completely blacked-out-shitfaced, dancing like a skank at a bar, then just maybe these songs would be a little bit more tolerable. What I figured out for sure though, is that Rihanna is on the radio at all times of the day on at least one if not every channel.

I'm not even trying to be a music snob here because I'll admit, I am one. I also don't want anyone to infer from this that I hate pop music. When pop music is done right, it's irresistible. Hi, I love Mariah Carey, the best selling female pop artist in history, more than I should . But this crap is just painful. I can't believe these are some of most listened to and liked songs of the country I live it. I'm embarrassed. I'm gonna need a stiff, swamp water, extra dirty martini just to get through writing this.

Bruno Mars - "Grenade"

I'll start by saying the dude does have a really good voice. He can definitely sing and that's more than I can say about the rest of the people on the top 40. As far as the rest of the song goes, it might be the worst song I've ever heard. The lyrics are atrocious. The chorus goes a little something like this, "I'd catch a grenade for ya, throw my hand on a blade for you, jump in front of a train for ya, I'd do anything for ya, I would go through all this pain, take a bullet straight though my brain, yes I would die for you baby but you won't do the same." I wouldn't do that shit for anyone. Clean it up, Bruno and put your voice to good use.

Katy Perry - "Firework"

You know you're in for an amazing song when the opening lyrics are, "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind wanting to start again?" You're so deep, Katy. You must have seen American Beauty. I've hated this ho since she showed up on the music scene, back in two-thousand-and-who-gives-a-shit. I hate the people that allowed her to make music and be famous. They are mean and should go back to their home, Hell. Her voice is simply awful and this song showcases her lack of talent. The whole chorus sounds like what I would imagine a woman who is giving birth to elephants would sound like. I beg of you America, please stop making her songs be on any "top" lists.

Ke$ha - "We R Who We R"

I felt stupid even typing that. The only time I don't type out full words is when I tweet and there isn't enough room for all of my words so I'm forced to abbreviate. I'm just like, wicked intelligent like that. I fucking hate this song. "We are dancing like we're dumb, dumb, dumb. More horrible lyrics. We R who we R." NO. NO. NO. This song doesn't stand a chance when I hear two notes of it on the radio. Shit's like AIDS. I won't go near it.

Pink - "Raise Your Glass"

The fuck is this shit?! I pretty much listened to this song with my mouth wide open in disbelief. "Don't get fancy, just get dance-y." I didn't even make it through a complete listen of this song because it felt like I was getting stabbed in my ears. It sucks 'cause I think Pink might actually have a decent voice under all of her terrible songs. What a waste. Girlfriend needs some guidance in what songs she should sing. Maybe she should just join the circus and do that swingy, trapeze stuff she does at every award show.

Alright, I think I'm done complaining about American pop music for now. I could absolutely go on because like I said, it was a top 40 list that I listened to but I only shat on 4 songs aaaanndd I didn't even get to talk about Black Eyed Peas yet. There really just aren't enough hours in the day. I hope you all haven't enjoyed listening to shitty music as much as I haven't.

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